"Crazy? Yeah, I know… But it’s my truth, my reality. If I can’t be real here, where can I be real? I’ve been married for 20 years to a wonderful woman, and we have a great family together. I married her initially because I wanted a "normal" life and children. I thought it was the right thing to do. I thought maybe I could change. Maybe God would use her to help change me.
Well, all these years later, here I am. Still gay. Still married to my wife. The beautiful thing is that she knows. I “came out” to her about 12 years ago. And she’s been amazing. Even after we both came to the conclusion that I would never be straight, no matter how much counseling I got, no matter how many ex-gay meetings I attended.
I’ve finally come to peace with the fact that I’m gay. And I’m OK with being gay. It’s taken a long time to accept myself, but I do. Finally.
And here’s the thing, I’m not going anywhere. My wife and I continue to choose each other, day after day, week after week, year after year. Even when it’s hard. We have hard times sometimes. She deserves to be loved by and married to a man who could fully appreciate her beauty, her femininity, her heterosexuality. And I know that I will never have the love that I sometimes long for…
But this is a choice. We could make other choices. But we don’t. We choose - fiercely, stubbornly - to love each other. To stay faithful to our vows. To be best friends, partners, parents, and yes, lovers.
I will confess that my sexuality has often found its outlet in gay porn and masturbation. But I want to be free from that. It’s not life-giving to me. I don’t need it.
Please don’t judge our choice of staying together. I just needed to talk about it. We are really very happy, even though there’s sometimes an underlying sadness.
Thanks for reading, my brothers and sisters. I feel vulnerable putting it out there, but I think it’s right. “ - Anonymous reddit user.
I commend this man’s bravery and persistence. He really tried, but sometimes people are just born gay. Unfortunately, it’s because of original sin and we are all born with this initial sin, and sometimes it manifests in the form of homosexual attraction. He’s dealing with it in a way that I couldn’t even perceive. This is truly a man of God who is doing his best and showing SELFLESS love. Amazing and blown away by this man’s courage. Wow.
This week has probably been the most I’ve yolo’d in a long time. I suddenly feel a VERY strong conviction to live life to the fullest. Nothing. Holding. Me. Back.
Here’s a quick story (not quick) to sum up my week. I’m a pretty quiet guy at work (I know, hard to believe for those that know my crazy side). I like to keep work and play separate so I can focus on one thing at a time. So, I didn’t really get to know the people I work with, but there was always this one particular waitress who I found, intriguing. You see, she resembled Mila Kunis, my number 1 favorite actress of all time. Only because, she’s got one of those badass, “I’m awesome” attitudes, and a confidence I’d like to see in myself one day. I think I finally realized that confidence. It took me 6 months but I finally went up to her to just spark up a conversation, and for the sake of her anonymity let’s call her Mila. She was with a friend so we talked after my shift ended. I found out shortly after that it was her LAST SHIFT EVER. *Cries* “I barely even know you and you’re leaving to Hawaii forever!?” Is what I said in distress. She quickly responded saying, “yeah…”, but I wished her luck and told her maybe we should go get a group of work friends and have one night out before she leaves.
The following friday: I’m with a few of my buddies out at Grim’s on Capitol Hill and we are just dancing it up, having a great time and it’s super chill. Mila comes late with some of my work friends and I feel like we really connected. Honestly, she has a bit of a valley girl-esque way of speaking, but she’s very intelligent (don’t’ ever judge a book by it’s cover). We proceed to dance together with our herd of buddies and decide to close up shop by spending some more conversation time at a friends apartment. I didn’t want the night to end. But, it was 3 in the morning and my friends wanted to leave. I of course offered to take Mila and her friend home since I was clearly not intoxicated (no sarcasm, really). And from there our adventure continued.
We drove around, laughed, learned more about each other, told raunchy yet classy stories about our lives, and spew profanities every now and then. The three of us had so much fun we went into a random parking lot and I just did circles because no one had a clue where to go. Our increasing loss of direction eventually led us to a Jack in the Crack where we purchased copious amounts of carbs and shakes. From there we found my friends house and our night continued.
She had a lovely home, very spacious and only $350 a month, including her own bathroom! Mila and I started talking some more because I barely knew her background so she told me a bit about her life and I did the same and there was lots of laughing, wheezing (from laughing so hard), serious debates, and even religion came up. Apparently we both were somewhat harassed by our Sunday school teachers… That night was filled with pure bliss and a connectedness I haven’t felt in awhile. Unfortunately, the night was coming to a close. Mila and I were just talking and realized our friend had fallen asleep so I decided to drive her home. While we were driving, I reassured her that even though she had no plans upon arrival that Hawaii is a very friendly and non-businessy place. I actually envied her bravery to just buy a one way ticket and fly to Hawaii and live life. My exact quotes to her were, “Wow, that’s seriously yolo to the max” Which put a smile on her face considering how corny my line was. Anyways, I drop her off at her car and give her a great big hug telling her how sad it is we became friends on the last night she was to stay in Seattle.
The next day I woke up regretting not saying more, or that maybe we could have gone on a date, or yada yada yada. Then I told myself. Michael, it’s not too late. You can still ask her, you buffoon. I quickly went to my phone and texted her (yes, it’s lame I texted her instead of called her like a true man, but one step at a time I guess…) and said, “Hey, it’s a shame we didn’t get to know each other before last night, but I really think your an awesome girl. If you’re ever in the area I’d love to take you out sometime! Super casual of course, and obviously the chances of that happening are pretty slim but I’ll take my chances. Have a great time in Hawaii, I’m sure you’ll do great. Such Hawaii, Much Sun, Very beach.” (A stupid doge meme that I showed her the night before). I hovered over the “Send” button. My heart started beating faster, but I told myself, “Michael, you got nothing to lose, she’s going to be gone but if by some miracle you guys meet up again you could take Mila out on a date and treat her to the time of her life. Do it you nincompoop.” Send. I’ve never had the balls to just straight up ask a girl out on a date because I liked to get to know them better, but I think I learned my lesson from the multiple times I was friend-zoned. A man needs to take charge and holy shit did I take charge. I felt very accomplished that I had to guts to just ask her out. And you know what the best part is? Her response. She said, “Thanks Michael :) I was thinking the same thing. We really should have started kicking it sooner but I’m glad we made it happen last night. Much good. Although, Jack in the crack miiight have been a bad idea. And WHEN (she emphasized the WHEN) we end up in the same city I will hold you to talking me out :)”
Geez, was it always this simple? I’ve never felt so sure of what I want in life and where God’s eventually gonna direct me. I’m definitely not meant to stay in Seattle for long. I’m already planning on teaching English in Korea, which is a big step and from there hopefully land the job of my dreams. Unfortunately I cannot disclose that information ANYWHERE, but let’s just say I need to speak better Korean. The only way I find fit to learning Korean is to actually be in the country! So, here goes nothing. I’m gonna go FULL THROTTLE at life and I’m gonna take hits, but it’s not about fighting. It’s about taking those hits, the multitude of hits that would knock anyone off their feet, and to KEEP PUSHING FORWARD. Don’t give up friends, because I’m feeling like a completely new man. There isn’t a day I thank God for pulling me through the mud and picking me back up on my feet. And, yeah I know the story is cheesy but for me, to do something like this? It’s unheard of. I still read the text message in shock asking, “Is this really me?”. Scary. But exhilarating!
So, the past few months have gone by too quickly. Which is kind of good but also kind of bad. I’m finding myself in a black hole of suckiness, where my life is currently stuck in a whirlpool of ambitions. I literally have so many things I want to pursue and do that I can’t just pick one. I end up spreading myself too thin and I don’t know where to begin. So, I just sit at home playing video games and watching shows rotting away like a pathetic stump.What a productive and great college graduate I am! Hooray! I’m a little lost and looking for guidance, I guess. : \
You see, I’ve been tugging, stretching, and wrestling with my faith. I’ve always been a believer my whole life and Christianity, God, and Jesus have all been a part of me. I will never abandon that, but I’m beginning to question certain things. WHICH, I hear is good to do. Wrestle with your faith, someone once told me. I want to research more, delve deeper into other texts to find out these things that bug me. But in the end I just don’t have the time to do so. I guess that’s where faith comes in? I know I’m not supposed to follow on blind faith but it’s getting so tough to believe that I have this extraordinary future laid out for me. I’ve trusted and believed for so long. But wait, maybe it’s a test of my patience. Maybe, I’m being tested to see if I really do have faith and if I really do believe God will push me in the right direction and open some doors for me. I guess only time will tell.
Honestly, It’s been tough and I thought using Tumblr (I know it’s been a long time) would be a great way to get some stuff off my chest. Like how some of the Christians I know are probably the most judgmental, selfish, and dishonorable people I’ve met. It sounds mean, but it’s true. Not saying I am any sort of saint, if anything I’m probably worse. But, it just appalls me that I’m more drawn to the “heathens” I work with, who party occasionally, drink almost everyday, and talk about the most vulgar of subjects and provide a more “loving” and “inviting” community than church. This is a HUGE issue and it’s one I’ve always struggled to understand. Why. Is. The. Church. SOOOOOOOOOOOO distant? Why can’t the church be more loving and inviting like in the Bible? The early church had some bumps, yeah but hell, they sure knew how to throw a party. And more importantly they knew how to open up. You see, at work I was confused these people seemed like a real tight knit community and I was the outsider. I didn’t want to know them too well because I felt like I wouldn’t be staying too long, and that I was too good for this. *BAM* Then it hit me. I was one of those self-righteous bastards that only hang out with “church” people because I got too good for “non-Christians” and secular activities. “Ooooo” “You doing bad things man, I don’t want to hear about this” I’d say in my head. But, what am I fucking doing? Being a judgmental prick. If the Lord was trying to show me anything and teach me something, it’s to be more like him and EMBRACE these people. Love them, talk to them, don’t be afraid to let them know you’re Christian, etc. Life is too short as well to hide things from people. Just share your damn thoughts and be proactive about life. I’ve been lazy. Weak. Uninspired. (Adjectives for DAYS). blah blah blah. No, it’s got to stop. I’m picking myself up and I’m gonna just start DOING. There’s so much to fix, so many things to pursue and so many things I don’t even know what to do. But, I’m just gonna simply do and go about my life and see where God takes me. I’ve had a damn veil over my eyes and now it seems like I can see things clearly in a long time.
Thanks for humility, because that’s probably the most difficult thing to find. Thanks for passion, because I often find myself lacking it. Thanks for bravery, because I’m a little wuss. Thanks finally God, for still loving me even in my painful, PAINFUL failures that you witness SO often, and you deserve a better son. I will try harder to not make you sad, because I have failed you many times, most on a colossal level, and I know you grow impatient. I know you want to push me into the great beyond and see me soar among the stars (figuratively speaking of course, but I would also not mind if literal, cuz flying is awesome). So I guess I’m praying to thank you for this realization? I’ve come to terms with my ignorance, my hilarious Christian hubris, and I’m moving on to bigger and better things. So, yeah guide me God. I know you got my back and I’m glad I can still come to you even in this great and epic disaster that I’ve displayed for you so far. Have some mercy pls. And again thank you God. Amen.
Also, Happy Valentine’s Day folks! Jesus loves you regardless of what you did, do, and will do. What a great thought eh?
friendship is really weird… you just pick some humans you’ve met and youre like yup i like these ones and you just do stuff with them.
Know how to dress well… Hot Damn. Clothes porn at its best. Wow.