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I guess it’s just starting to hit me now. I’ve been living in this house since 1998 and I’ve always seen this place as my forever home, a place I can always come to for refuge. But life happens and it just all crumbles like a soggy cracker. I woke up this morning realizing it would be the last time I would sleep in my wonderful bed and eventually I had to tear it all down and bring it to our new condo. It’s only a 10 minute drive at most, but it’s still much smaller than our home now and we need to be more quiet now. I’m still trying to process this whole move, because it’s still so surreal to me. I can’t believe we are moving and all the memories in this house will now only cease to exist in our heads. No more new memories folks, it’ll just be a new place and a new start for our family. I guess it was just shocking because I returned from Korea, moving from place to place and only being at my home for 2 days and suddenly moving, shocked me. I was just not prepared to hear the news and move. But, I have to remember this is a part of life and we all must move on. That is all, just had to write about my feels before I internally combust into a million pieces. I am sad :(

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I can’t help but realize how undeserving I am. I don’t deserve to have so many amazing friends, I don’t deserve to travel around the world, I don’t deserve to live comfortably, I don’t deserve this life I’m living so nonchalantly. But, I am. I am blessed. I am so blessed I don’t know what to do. I’m just now, sadly, understanding what it means to be thankful. I always thought I was thankful but I realized how selfish, spoiled, and a brat I was. I feel so awful for those that I wasn’t grateful for. I now make as much of an effort to be as grateful and thankful as possible.

God has blessed me so much and I’m so undeserving. I just want to be able to pay everyone back. I’m going to work hard now for the rest of my life. I’ve been lazy enough and now I want to give back. I’m going to give back and I have a huge list of those that have blessed me. I am undeserving. So many people are suffering in this world, some with uncureable diseases, some who are persecuted for their beliefs, some who can’t even find clean water, yes, I am undeserving and I owe it to all those that have given so much. I don’t deserve any of this. Thank you I’m gonna use all of my being to give back.

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A tiger.

For too long I’ve been complacent. For too long I’ve hung around emptiness. For too long I’ve embraced laziness. No, that won’t do. I will become a tiger ready to pounce on opportunity. People say, “Oh it’s okay to not know what you want to do” but I say NO. I WANT to know. I WANT to follow my passions. Life is not easy and you can’t easily obtain goals. You need to start DOING and not just EXPECTING. I definitely made the right choice to do some soul searching in Korea. I’ve gained invaluable knowledge and it’s only been one week. People will never come to you unless you create unless you start doing and make a hub for the mind to flourish.

No. I’m slowly being molded by God and my uncle and his wife. I’ve found my inspiration and I must now become a tiger. A tiger that’s aggressive and who’s hunger is insatiable. I. Am. A. Tiger.

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Hello Korea

Well, what was thought to be a new chapter in my life will most likely be a prolonged vacation. But, though my stay here has been shortened I will see it as a business opportunity as well as a time to do some soul searching. My reason for staying maybe only 2-3 months is not by choice. I never declared my status as an American citizen when I turned 18. So essentially I carry a double citizenship. This means that I could possibly get taken into the Korean military if I stay longer than 3 months, thus I’m forced to leave after that time :( So until I fix my paper work, well my PARENT’S paper work I won’t be able to stay in Korea until about next summer! But who knows what God has in store for me. This is only a minor setback. I also wish to not reveal this information to a lot of people as it’ll take forever to explain so I’ll just arrive back at the states sometime later and let everyone know it just didn’t work out.


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Paradiso and Jesus

Paradiso is a rave festival where people go to do drugs, drink at 8am and dress like it’s 1972. But, the amazing vibes and hippy-esque culture really opened my eyes. 
No one is afraid to say hi to you, and do the fun handshake that every raver should know. Which is PLUR or Peace, Love, Unity, Respect; It’s the WWJD of rave culture and I was blown away by how much love everyone had for each other. 
The music also, on the other hand was something to be amazed about, I didn’t partake in any of the drugs because well, I’m just not into drugs haha, but I did enjoy the music and I can say I’d do it again solely to dance and sweat in a mosh pit for 12 hours all over again (I can’t feel my feet and my hips, quads, and calves are sore beyond belief).
But the interesting thing was, it felt VERY similar to a church retreat, just without the Jesus. While I was in the mosh pit I looked around at everyone and just thought, “Jesus loves each and everyone of you so much, he cares about what happened with your parents divorce, He wants to hold you during all the pain of losing someone, and He doesn’t care that you look the other way and ignore Him”. I could feel the love, but most of these people, unfortunately, have an empty void in their life. They have nothing but each other and they hold onto that feeling, the “good” vibes, the friendships, the unity they feel during the moment. It’s all good, but they are missing an essential component, and He is Jesus.
Church retreats always ended with a strong bond, but it never lasts a long time. In a months time the feeling of a long lasting friendship, only lasts about a few weeks and everyone slowly goes back to their regular schedules. Paradiso on the other hand is exactly the same but even more artificial. You make friends there but you’re either too inebriated or on drugs to care to get their facebook information and make it a lasting relationship and even then it’s just facebook. Side note: I think it’s sad that facebook is what determines if you’ve becomes “friends” or not or even just acquaintances. But the feels were all there and I just thought it was interesting. Especially the post retreat feeling of, “oooh look at all the cool pictures we took of the new friends we made!” etc. 
These were just some similarities I noticed from a culture that doesn’t know Jesus from a culture that strives for Jesus. The main difference is that church retreats give hope. There is so much more hope and more love that you can experience at a church retreat because Jesus fills the void that is hungering for something more. He quenches a thirst that we seek through these sorts of events where we think this fills us, and for a time it will, but eventually you come down. I understand why people take drugs because they feel euphoric and connected with the music, the people as well as the environment like they are a part of something bigger. I just wished they knew that Jesus could do that for them and more. I haven’t been the best messenger of the cross, but hopefully people I’ve talked to or met maybe felt a light of sorts, because in the end it’s not about me it’s about Him.

The contrast is really silly though, I’ll get to experience Paradiso one weekend and our UL 2014 summer retreat this coming week, back to back. It’ll be interesting to actually live out the differences between the two. Heh.

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July 15

Well, I think it’s pretty official now. I’m going to be making the move on July 15. Korea here I come! It’s so much sooner than I thought and I don’t know if I’ll be ready. I don’t think my nerves realize how much of a change this will be but whatever, deal with it. EXCITED. YAY!